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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Fhqwhgads' LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, February 17th, 2015
3:59 pm
Limbo
So it's been almost exactly two months since I found out my marriage was in serious trouble.

The time since then has been hard. It has also resulted in a lot of self-exploration and new knowledge and insight. So that's been a silver lining, I guess.

I still don't know what's going to happen. We've been doing marriage counseling and it's been helping. I don't know if it will help enough. But I guess that's something we'll find out eventually.

I've been doing my own counseling, and I feel so much more positive than I have in a while.

I thought I was going to write a lot, but my freaking kid is refusing to take a nap. So I guess I'm going to get him out of his crib and hang out with him for a while.
Sunday, January 11th, 2015
2:53 pm
Anger
Isn't that one of the stages of grief?

I don't feel anger often. Now I wonder if it's because I'm not much of an angry person (which is what I had always thought) or if it's because I've been pushing it away all these years because it's uncomfortable and it makes people uncomfortable.

But I'm mad now. Not as mad as I have been on some days. But madder than usual.

There are so many reasons.

I'm mad at myself. Did I delude myself? Have I ignored many many signs throughout the years that told me this relationship was a mistake? Have I been so desperate for love and affection that I contorted myself mentally and emotionally to make this relationship work? Did I let him do whatever he wanted to make him happy? How have I been so blind to my tendency to just roll over and do whatever? Why didn't I push couples counseling when we were getting married? Why didn't I continue with my own personal counseling?

And I'm mad at him.

He's been so inconsiderate of me and my feelings. From little things like not moving that goddamned decrepit car from my parking space for years and years to big things like trying to back out of our engagement. And the tone with which he talks to me. No wonder I feel like shit about myself. How could I feel otherwise, when every time a voice that is as ever-present as my own conscience (and which I thought I could trust more than myself) talks down to me, raises its voice, and twists my own words to make them mean things I don't mean?

And we'd always spend more time with his family. Not mine. Wouldn't someone who loved me want to spend time with my family? I always went out of my way for him, not the other way around. When we started dating, I always drove the two hours to see him. When we broke up and got back together, he called me in the middle of the night and begged me to be with him, and guess what? I went to HIS apartment, not the other way around. Some romance.

Sometimes I used to wonder if he had Peter Pan Syndrome. I think I really used those words. But maybe it's been true. Maybe I've been like a maid, but better. I always clean the house. I keep up with our bills and bank accounts and paperwork. The stuff I leave to him...doesn't really get done. He's not very dependable for those things. His cars were always a disaster because he didn't maintain them. So I did it. The few things I didn't do? Taxes: sometimes only one quarterly payment got made on time. And then we would owe a big lump sum at the end of the end of the year. And that we would find out on April 15, because even though I would remind him to do his receipts, he wouldn't do them until April 14. And then I would have to take the things to the accountant at the last minute and I would feel like an asshole.

And Drew. When we hear him wake up in the morning, who always gets up and goes to get him ready for the day, and who hangs out in bed, playing on the phone? He always raises his voice at Drew in a way I don't like. As if his lack of patience and regard for me extends to my progeny. Drew is just a baby. He only has one way to communicate. What kind of a father gets angry and leaves the room immediately when the baby starts to cry? How can I trust this person to take care of my baby if we share custody? I'm already nervous he won't babyproof effectively, that he won't make things kid-friendly, and then he will get mad at Drew when he gets into things.

And how does he always get to do what he wants to do? Program a video game with his friend for an entire day on the weekend? No problem, she will take care of Drew just like she does every single other day. When will she get time to herself? Oh you know, when he naps and when he goes to bed at the end of the day. No matter that I'm hungry for adult conversation and time with my husband...no matter that I thought weekends were going to be family time and we would go explore and do things together. I'll just spend my day alone with my baby, doing housework and chores.
Even better is when he tells me he'll be working all weekend on work stuff, but then he doesn't do it. Because then I have resigned myself to taking care of the baby all weekend. And I can't go anywhere on my own, because he might start doing work this afternoon. But he just sits around all day. And I've been suckered into taking full responsibility and putting none on my husband.

And what about what's happening now?

Of course, he cheated on me. He texted her while sitting next to me, in our living room. He left for work early to meet her for coffee. He worked in the office on work from home Wednesday just to be with her. They both led me to believe that she was my friend, that I could trust her, that I could trust them both. And I was gullible enough to believe it.

And he nitpicks things. He doesn't like things about me. You know, stuff like filling up the fucking Brita pitcher. How could he have the gall to bring something like that up when he fucking cheated on me? He asked me to put the formula away when I make a bottle and I forget to do it most of the time. He thinks that's disrespectful of me, to ignore his requests. What about our marriage vows that he ignored? What about my needs, desires, and wants that he has consistently ignored?

Or how I'm supposed to act now. He tells me to say what I feel, but gets mad and frustrated when those things are "annoying" to him, or repetitive. Because I guess I'm supposed to have a feeling once, share it with him, and then get over it, just because he said so.
And I'm not supposed to put anything on twitter about feeling down. Because what would people think? It's as if only his feelings matter. What if I wanted to talk to people about it? This is happening to me too, you know.

I guess I thought writing all this down would help. I thought it would get this out of my system. But I'm not sure it worked. I might just be madder than I was when I started.
Friday, January 9th, 2015
10:59 am
Questions I Want to Ask, But Can't
Relationship limbo is the worst. It's so hard to navigate between sharing how you are feeling/what you are thinking, and blurting out every little destructive thing that crosses your mind.

I want to talk, but he needs time to process. I probably do too. I don't have a job, but he does, so I can't text him all day with questions. I don't want us both to be constantly miserable and on the verge of a fight, but my mind is burning with questions.

Sometimes I feel like if I could just ask the question the right way, or if I ask it enough, I will know that the answer I get is 100% undoubtedly true.

Things like...
Are you definitely not talking to her anymore?
Not even on SnapChat or Google Hangouts or email or text?
Are your social media posts secret messages or inside jokes to her?
Is she sending you signals through her social media?
Do you still want me physically?
What do you think about when you whack off in the bathroom every day?
Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever lie in bed next to me, thinking about touching me?
Are you really committed to working on our relationship?
If we get a divorce, will you start dating her?


But what would I even do with this information if I knew it was true? He doesn't even know the answers to some of these questions.
Thursday, January 8th, 2015
12:01 pm
Trust
How does it work? If it's abused, how do you get it back??

He cheated on me. Not physically, at least. But emotionally, with a coworker. They were saying affectionate things that he hasn't said to me in what feels like years.

It hurts. It hurts double because I thought she was my friend too. She came to our house. She slept on our couch. She hung out with our kid. I thought she was trustworthy and honorable and cool. And she wasn't. She wasn't a good friend.

And I would have trusted him with anything. It hurts that he abused my trust, and he doesn't seem to want to get it back. I've asked for small things. Can I have complete transparency with his phone?
No, it's like I want to babysit him. I've lost his trust by looking through his phone.

I can't believe this. HE lost MY trust. He's supposed to want to gain my trust back and so make this small sacrifice. He doesn't seem to care about gaining my trust back. It makes me afraid he's hiding something. He won't text me at lunch to tell me who he's having lunch with so I know he's not having one-on-one lunch with her. He got mad when I said I want him to tell me that day if he has any non-work conversations with her.

How can I rebuild trust if he won't give anything? He wants me to believe him based on his words alone, and I just can't do that anymore. His words lied to me.

He wants me to trust him with no work on his part. How can I?

And the shitty thing is, I still love him. I'm still willing to find a way to make us work. I'm still harboring hope that the marriage counselor will ask the right questions to help him realize what he's doing, because when I try to explain, he just gets mad. I hope the counselor can help me find the tools to trust again.

Because the hell of it is, I have to rebuild trust in him. I have no choice. Our future as co-parents relies on it.
Tuesday, January 6th, 2015
9:08 pm
Feeling Alone
I might be getting a divorce.

I don't want it.
I'm sad and miserable and feel like my heart is going to explode into a thousand pieces.

How do people survive this? I have literally never felt pain like this before in my life.

He's still here for now, we are going to try to see if we can work on things. But he isn't in love with me and I don't know how to handle that. His love was one of the only good and constant things in my life and I feel a little lost without his love and companionship.

It's almost harder that he's here and we're so awkward. It really throws into relief how different things are now.

He used to be part of me and now I don't know how to act. I have been crying for an hour now and he hasn't come to comfort me. How could he? I'm not sure I want him to anyway.

Divorce is like having a part of yourself die.
Friday, November 7th, 2014
4:04 pm
Last night was so 2004
Kim and I both had shitty weeks and we were commiserating on the phone and drinking. This turned into looking at old LJ entries and laughing about how in Europe we used to go to bars, get wasted, and act like dicks. Somehow that turned into me going to the nearest dive bar, by myself, at midnight.

It's a dumpy looking bar that my alcoholic neighbors more or less live in. They even got married there. As I left the house (Eric and Drew were asleep), I ran into the neighbors, who were coming back from the bar. I told them what I was doing, and they were all for it. Terri was so excited she even called the bartender to let her know I was coming.

I got to the bar at around midnight and sat by myself drinking. It didn't take long for a dude to come over and talk to me. He was nice enough, but not very interesting to talk to. We played darts and I was the worst. He tried to buy me a drink, but I reminded him that I was married (this had come up in conversation a couple times) so I would pay for them myself.

Then a dude came in, sat at the bar and pulled a bowl and spoon out of his bag. He dumped food into the bowl and ate it. I immediately lost interest in the dart game and practically sprinted across the room to talk to him about it and he was not very pleased that I called him out on how weird it was to bring your own dishes to a bar. The dude I was playing darts with felt neglected or something, so he grabbed my ass. I said, "Did you just grab my ass? Because that's fucked up." He said, "How do I get with you?" I replied, "You don't. I've told you like eight times that I'm married." So he went to pout with the smokers and I went back to making friends.

So I started talking to some guy who drives a bus. I'm pretty sure I introduced myself by telling him that I wasn't going to have sex with him. The bar was closing and I chugged a beer, which was a great idea. So I ended up going to Dave the Bus Driver's apartment, but only after he promised me he wasn't going to roofie or murder me. So we talked about MASH, drank beer, used binoculars to spy on the neighbors, and I admired (ok, made fun of) his collection of sunglasses that he kept on a shelving unit above his toilet. He said he knew I wasn't going to get with him but that he wished I would, and I made fun of him for having low standards because I was dressed like trash and hadn't showered in like a week.

Then I came home at 4am and Eric woke up and I told him all about my night. He somehow was not pissed at me. So that was good, especially since my body punished me for drinking so much last night. It is 4pm and I am still hung over. Uggghhhhhh.

Current Mood: hungover
Thursday, November 6th, 2014
10:54 pm
I'm Cool
I'm here.

And I'm drunk. So that's old school LJ.

I don't have a job anymore and I don't have (many) friends here, so I should write things. Because a computer is my best friend. Yeah.
Friday, July 18th, 2014
12:44 am
You guys
I'm doing it. I'm bringing back LJ.
Sunday, March 4th, 2012
6:50 pm
Roger went to Bunny Heaven yesterday.

It was the right thing to do because he was just getting worse and worse. When we got up yesterday, he couldn't walk, and kept falling over onto his back and couldn't get himself up right.

It was hard to say goodbye, but the right thing to do. He is buried in our yard (probably against a million different laws and regulations) and when the weather is warmer, we're going to plant something pretty so he has a little memorial thing.

I feel bad for Cookie. I think she is sad and lonely. I don't want any more rabbits, or I would get her a new friend. I got her some toys and stuff to play with, so we'll see if that helps her.
Monday, February 27th, 2012
9:05 pm
Roger
is maybe dying.

He's been sick for a while, and I've been taking him for shots and more shots, and giving him meds at home. Today was the vet appointment of truth...He's a little better, and gained a little weight back. But the doctor says this is as good as he'll ever get. And that if we continue on this course over the next month, he will develop a resistance to the antibiotic and then get worse and die anyway.

Right now, I'm watching him hop around, running into shit and falling over. He's making laps and being way more active than I've seen him in a while though.

I made the decision today to stop giving him injections, have a week or so to say goodbye, and bring him in to the vet sometime next week for his last appointment ever.

Unfortunately, that also leaves a lot of time to second-guess myself. I'm terrified I'm doing the wrong thing.
Wednesday, January 18th, 2012
9:41 pm
January Slump
Yep.

Hating my job.
Freaking out about having too much to do.
Then avoiding work, thus compounding my problem.

I've got grading, planning, parental contact, grad school work, etc to do. I just wish I had time for some creative outlets. I need summer. Summer temp jobs always remind me just how soul-crushing a mindless 9-5 job can be, and makes me instantly stop pining for one. My career crisis is a few months too early this year. Yikes.


Doesn't help anything that Eric and I had a big when/if are we having kids conversation this weekend...It's a "when" rather than an "if." Not for a while, we're not truly ready (is anyone ever?). But somehow, my overloaded brain is deciding that this will solve all. I can quit my job, and it might actually be a financially smart move (no daycare to pay for!), I will lose weight (breastfeeding!), and I will have time for myself and the people I care about. But I know all of this rationale is flawed and wouldn't actually work out that way.

I just hate the person my job has forced me to become.

During the workday, I have to be monitoring 25-30 kids at once (I'm responsible for all of their stupid decisions if they're in my classroom, you know!) while teaching bell-to-bell. I am terrified to even have a conversation with any kids because that's a minute I won't be teaching, and what if I get a surprise visit from an administrator and they see that I'm wasting 2 minutes of class time by not providing instruction (this has honestly happened on my evaluations before). And I can't focus on talking to kids anyway - I'm thinking about the 110 midterms, extra credit assignments, and essays I have to grade. Not to mention the curriculum and lesson plans I'm not current on, the parents I have to email to remind them that their kid is failing (even though they have 24-7 access to my grade book and can see that for themselves), and the new class I'm teaching at the new semester. I'm juggling so many different things that I can't focus on any one thing. If I focus on something (including myself, or my husband) I feel guilty because all I can think of are all of the other responsibilities I'm neglecting.
It's making me forgetful as shit, self-absorbed, and basically terrible to talk to or be around. I hear myself having conversations with people, and I'm a fucking downer. Then I hate myself more and add some kind of self-improvement project to the list of things I should be doing. Guh.

Maybe someday I will make a rainbows and sunshine post on here. Sucks that it's become a repository for whining. Classic LJ, I guess.
Wednesday, December 28th, 2011
11:39 pm
Christmas Vacation
State of my Life:

On vacation
Cleaning/re-organizing kick
Trying to live more with less
Trying to get in shape again - my clothes are tight enough that I can't wear some and my body issues are driving me crazy right now
Just shy of five years living in PA
Almost halfway done with my MA program
Enjoying my job more this year, but still positive that this isn't what I should be doing with my life
Losing steam to finish writing this. More later, I guess.
Monday, October 3rd, 2011
10:05 pm
So here's something ridiculous that I never thought I'd be writing in a livejournal entry:

I'm getting married this weekend.


Out of all the fucking crazy things that have happened over the last seven years, all the fights, good times, scary times, and graphic sex posts on LJ, we made it this far, and we're getting married.

Crazy, eh?
Tuesday, August 16th, 2011
11:44 pm
Dude.
I've just had a total nostalgia-fest enabled by LJ.

I'm toying with the idea of resuscitating it. It would be kind of refreshing to get away from micro-blogging and back into real blogging, with potential for real writing. Hmmmmmm.......
Tuesday, February 1st, 2011
12:17 pm
It's been months! I don't think I've ever gone this long without posting here. Mostly, I don't want to use my work computer to post on here (too much old incriminating evidence), and I use my work laptop pretty primarily.

Here's my life in the last four months:

Eric and I have been seeing therapists. It's been very frustrating at times, but we have both made a lot of progress. Things are really good right now, and we're trying to decide when we can schedule our new wedding date.

I am now 2.5 classes into my master's degree program. I love it. My class last semester was really hard (she kept us very busy with all of the readings), but I got a lot out of it. My current class is a feature writing class taught by a genius, eccentric Kenyan guy whose nickname is "The Goat." We go out for drinks every Wednesday after class, and we solve the world's problems.

Work sucks. I go through intense periods of hating it, then mild periods of really liking it. A lot has to do with the administration of my school. They do a lot of things that are divisive, and it makes everyone feel like they're working with a big target on their backs. Ugh.
Tuesday, October 5th, 2010
9:10 pm
Today
I broke up a bout of penny-throwing (?) in my senior English class by telling them "Hold on to your money!  This is not a strip club.  We don't throw money here."


Statements like these are why I will one day be fired from my job.
Sunday, September 19th, 2010
11:18 am
I went to the Capital City Brewer's Festival yesterday.  We went to Pep Grille afterwards, watched a guy spray vomit all over outside on the sidewalk, and half the bar saw it and went crazy.  Then I was a drunk asshole and I was mocking him through the window, and he came in and....insisted on buying us drinks?

This morning, I ran in the Four Diamonds Fund 5k.  With only six hours of sleep, slightly hungover, starting to get a cold, I ran a 30:32, which is my new personal record!!  As I sprinted into the finish line, passing the girl in front of me, some people in the crowd were yelling "get it, girl, get it!" which was funny and oddly motivational.

I feel awesome.
Tuesday, August 17th, 2010
1:39 am
I'm still here, and I'll post again some day.  When there's time.
Thursday, June 24th, 2010
4:02 pm
Remember that time I was going to propose to my boyfriend? 


Well, he beat me to it.

We had seven friends come out from Indiana for Harrisburg's Brewer's Festival, which happens every summer and is awesome.  I fleetingly had thought that he might do it then because a lot of our friends would be there, but decided that he was a) never going to do it, and b) wouldn't  do it then because I would be too drunk all weekend and wouldn't remember anything.

We all went to dinner at the local brewery.  After dinner, Eric said Julie was going to meet us at our house and we were going to go to a bar nearby.  So we went in the house, and no one turned on any lights, and I was like, duh, turn on some lights!  So I turned them on and then everyone yelled SURPRISE and the lights came on and there were balloons and streamers and 30 people crammed into my living room.  I immediately wondered if it was someone's birthday, but then I realized that they actually yelled "SURPRISE, ASHLEY!!!"  And I was extra confused.

Then Eric was standing next to me and everyone was staring at us, and he said something (which is all really fuzzy and I will have to see it again in videos when someone sends it to me because by this time I kind of figured out what was going on) about how much he loved me and that he was a better person with me, and also that I put up with him and all of his crap, like that he sucks at cleaning and doing laundry and living like a non-dirty person, and he said that I had put up with him and his crap for so long that he really knew that I must love him too, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  And then he got on one knee and proposed and I said yes and everyone cheered and took pictures and set off those little popper things that shoot streamers when you pull the string.

Then I realized exactly how many people were there, and that pretty much EVERYONE we knew in PA was there.  Like, people who always flake out on hanging out, and a bunch of our friends with little kids who also never get out.  Someone would come up to me to say congratulations, and I would be like, "Oh, YOU'RE here!!" and that happened like ten times.  And then they handed out champagne and we toasted, and I realized that everyone had been chugging down beers while they waited for us (we were a little late) and everyone was drunk and it was awesome!

Julie had basically planned the party part of it - there were flowers and little hors d'oeuvres on fancy plates (like quiches and junk) and crackers and fancy cheese and chocolate and shit.  And then, magically, there was a cake that said "Congratulations Ashley and Eric!" and it was the most delicious cake and it was stuffed with strawberries.  And everyone made us cut the cake together like it was a wedding cake and it was the twee-est thing that's ever happened to me...they tried to make us feed the cake to each other but we basically put the knife down and ran away from the cake as fast as we could.

So I am very excited and have extreme diarrhea of the mouth and can't stop talking about my wedding to the point where I am even making myself a little sick of it.  But oh well.  You only get married once, right?  I'll refrain from getting all detail-y in what is already an over-long post, and anyway we're less than a week into planning, so thing will inevitably change....I am sure I will write until you are sick of hearing it later.  Suffice to say, we're doing it our way and it will be awesome.
Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
3:11 pm
Summer Rules!
School ended last Friday.  I was pretty busy, but sometime in the last month I managed to run another 5k.  This one was on a hilly, grass course, which is the complete opposite of the flat asphalt trail I usually run.  So my time on my second 5k was longer than the first.  But since it was a smaller 5k, I managed to get 2nd place in the female 20-29 category!  So I got a medal.  Then I took it to school and bragged about it like an asshole.

Graduation happened, and it was good.  So happy for school to be out, and looking forward to doing a little bit of prep work over the summer, and going to the yearbook workshop in Texas this summer.  I'm really excited for next year's yearbook.

So far (four days in!) my summer has been productive.  I have gone to the dentist, scheduled a doctor appointment, ran a million other little errands, and gotten myself a part time job.  I start grad classes this summer, so part time is ideal.  Huzzah!

Brewer's Fest is in ten days, and we have a ton of Indiana friends coming out for it.  I am pumped!
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